BASIC RULES FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUN
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on
hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not
necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened,
stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is
particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or
mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
CHAIRS and RUGS
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage
in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag
is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that
it is as long as the human's bare foot.
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do
anything -- just sit and stare.
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other
is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise
known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering".
- When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the
cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of
being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
- For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and
book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
- For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most
appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least
the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach
out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try
to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.
Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite
of what the humans may tell you.
- For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income
taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim
-- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When
dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity
proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the
best of your ability. After being removed for the second time,
push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
- When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure
to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front
of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their
arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This
will help their coordination skills.
Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.
This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the
daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed
several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though
to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an
accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash
a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those
humans every time.
The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the
covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are
actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the
mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one.
Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun
them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them.
Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!
King of the Hill
This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more,
the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which
must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything
goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as
one must take the unstable playing theater into account.
Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion
from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans
grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them.
This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If
one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the
round of King of the Hill.
Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it,
this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look
suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away.
Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable
sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several
types of cat toys.
Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so
that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are
generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.
Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold
chains, and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites
of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on.
When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically
becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take
care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your
within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged
to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you
can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around
the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done
to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for
Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result
in a great Tag match.
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat.
Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the
food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are
starving to death and must be fed *NOW*; and hunting for it oneself.
The following are guidelines for getting fed.
- When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your
tail in their dishes when they are not looking.
- Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the
- Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full
enough to drink from.
- Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite
to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent -- your food will
usually not be so polite and try to leave.
- Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately
unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to
beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will,
but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't
forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping
onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down
in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct
Stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while
As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat
must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a
comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good,
especially if it contrasts with your fur color.
If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the
better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the
disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous
weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.
It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may
provide. They are very protective of what they think is their
property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your
claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't
help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees
are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no!
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give
attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to
maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget
who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules.
They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. My humans
Keith and Margo aren't
Thanks to: Mike.Andrews